Shame as a catalyst for change

Let’s talk about the emotion of shame.

First, here are a couple of definitions that come up when I search “what is the definition of shame”:

Noun: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety

Verb: to cause to feel shame

*Both these definitions were found on Meriam Webster

Since the 2020 Black Lives Matter Uprisings, I have seen a larger cultural conversation about anger. There seems to be some understanding in “progressive” circles that anger is a helpful emotion; from showing us where needs are not being met, to clearly displaying how someone or something might be impacting you, to using our voices to speak out against injustices; there is so much to be grateful for about anger.

On the other side, anger can also cause harm and be a primary source of senseless violence, which most impacts those of the global majority (read: genocide, workplace discrimination, domestic violence, police killings, etc.). Anger - like any other emotion can both be helpful and dangerous.

I see shame as no different. If we let ourselves sit and sulk in shame, like anger, there can be many negative physical, mental, social, life or death consequences to that. However, if we can learn to recognize shame in the body and be curious about shame when it comes up, it can be a helpful part of self & collective discovery, accountability, and connection.

This is written on Brene Brown’s website about shame vs. guilt: 

“I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.”

Replace shame with any other emotion in this writing. I believe that is what is dangerous. Claiming any natural human emotion, is unhelpful *most* of the time.

I don’t agree with this. I have had shame be an incredibly powerful catalyst for accountability around harm I and others have caused, and expect it will continue to do so. Shame has motivated me to learn and take action around issues of social justice, to set boundaries to protect myself, and work to undo many harmful and untrue narratives around wh!t3 supr3m@cy and c0l0n!zat!0n.

In the face of global uprisings around Palestine, I’m seeing a an increase of posts about the harm of using shame as a motivator to get folks to take action. While I know shame can be pushed to the point of harm (and I know this is what these creators are talking about and respect it!); I want to be careful to demonize any natural human emotion.

There is some irony here because I’m seeing creators make content about how shame is a dangerous motivator; while I’m feeling shame reading their posts about not using shame, lol. Oh the nuance! 

Why are we as a society constantly trying to avoid shame? Why do we tell people so readily not to feel shame? Or that they shouldn’t feel shame for their actions?

There are manyyyyy other emotions that have also catalyzed change for me, including joy and gratitude! There is no *right* way to get folks to take action or listen to your struggles; thank you to everyone who is doing their best to learn, grow, and move us towards the fall of these global empires.

If you’re interested in getting curious about how shame shows up for you, contact me to talk about one-on-one or group support!