Being told “no”

“No is a complete sentence” is something we hear a lot, but it often feels so much more complicated than that, on both the receiving and giving ends. Even when we care deeply about someone, and even WANT people to tell us no when they want to, it can be hard not to feel activated by a “no”.

This is no surprise: we have heard “no” A LOT in our lives, often in violent ways (state, capitalism, other structural power dynamics that can make “noes” violent). So, rewiring our brains to receive noes with gratitude and care is a practice we have to engage in with ourselves and people we trust. It requires gentleness, patience, and care to everyone involved.

Here are 8 grounding statements for when you’re feeling activated from receiving a no from someone you care about:

-I want them to feel free to say no to me.

-By saying no to me now, they are leaving room for authentic yeses in the future.

-I am not upset with them, I am activated because the outcome of my request/offer was not what I wanted.

-It is safe to receive noes.

-I want to be a safe person for them to say no to.

-I have the power to know the difference between when I’m upset with them, and when I’m upset because something did not turn out how I’d hoped.

-I’m grateful they feel safe enough to practice saying no to me about things that feel hard to say no to.

-I am allowed to have feelings about this no, and I’m not going to take it out on them.

If you want to get better at saying and receiving noes or other feelings and sensations, working one-on-one together is a great way to get that practice.